if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I would ride that face into the sunset
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
