I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
