He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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