I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
