So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
