We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize
