i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
