my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
