You just made me feel so damn special
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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