I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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