Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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