She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
