Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
