Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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