You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
