Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
