It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
