He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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