i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
