I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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