Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
smell my finger.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
