i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I think we might need a safe word for this...
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
