This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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