Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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