he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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