dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
