two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
