we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
