i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
