We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
