So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
