RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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