I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
