why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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