he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
