my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
