i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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