I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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