The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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