I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
