We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
