Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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