So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
