My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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