Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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