if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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