I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
