I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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