is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
