I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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